Do Over!

Ok so the last few weeks this blog has been a mess of , well, i dont know! its been a little too personal, a little to depressing and perhaps not nearly as interesting as the past few months! i think i have come to the conclusion that leaving bali for five weeks was not a wise choice!! while i had a blast with my family in whislter and was really happy to see my friends in LA, i think my mind was not ready for it all- it was a lot and i think that some of the things i was dealing with were not so much 'dealt with', rather repressed to the darkest parts of my mind, which received little to no attention while i was in bali! so then everything kinda crept up on me and the next thing i knew it was like i was back to september, when i thought things in my life were the worst they had ever been! and i didnt deal with it very well, im afraid, but the more i think about it i supose that stuff was also an important part of 'leaving m life behind'. because at some point, everythig you leave behind will creep up on you and no matter how much you try to say that you have moved on and things are better, its impossible not to aknowledge what you have in fact left behind. plus at the same time i realized that i was counting a lot on other people to secure my happiness and was notreally doing much in the way of my own healing. because as soon as those things/people went away, i felt crushed again by the overwhelming weight of everything. but the last few weeks were a test- one that i cant say if i failed or passed- i can only say that i learned that i was relying too much on others and that i was repressing not confronting. this time i want to do it diffeently. the last few months in bali for me represented a time of freedom, of rediscovering myself and of calming my shaky nerves into realizing that in fact life always does go on and time really heals everything. but no im ready to move on in a different way. i want to build myself a new life, not just escaping the old one. i have a lot of stuff to decide and a lot of things in myself that i must confront, so i know the next few months for me will be different then the last few, but i guess its all part of the process when you leave it all behind. at some point you have to pick up the pieces and rebuild the puzzle into something new- learning from the past and knowing how tochange the future.
i also have to admit that i have been a suffering baby the last few weeks and was unable to realize the gift that i have been given. it took my a comment from my grandma last night to really shock me back into realization. when my mom said to her on the phone that i was sitting with her drinking wine and watching american idol my grandma said "well i just hope that i die and come back as kaelen cus that girl is everywhere!!" really made me laugh to think that while one grandma thinks i am some sort of reject because im not married and cannot fathom to understand why i would possibly want to live oversseas and GASP potentially end up with a 'foreigner' , the other is hoping that the karma brings her back as me!! hahah ME?!!! but then last night it was all i could think about- how many people do get the chance to start over, a DO- over as they call it. i cannot change the past, i made decisions and choices and they have changed the course of my life in a way that i could never have imagined a year ago, when the fear of possibility was crippling to me. when i think about this summer, and what is was that drove me to my breaking point and pushed me mindlessly through the picking up and starting over, i realize that many of the things i was hoping to happen, did. and while some of them didnt exactly turn out the way i had hoped, at least i tried and that is important. i do have to say i wish i wasnt turning 26 this year and was not approaching the impending doom that is 30, but again, i dont think i would ever go back to being 21 if it meant i had to sacrifice all i have learned these last five years. if i was 21 again i wouldnt have the capacity to handle any of this!!

so here's to my do- over. heres to making decisions (anyone who knows me knows i dont even like to decide what to eat for breakfast!!)heres to sticking to them. heres to not beating myself over things that i cannot control and to actively trying to change those that i can. heres to knowing how fragile every day is and that once its over, the best way to fall asleep is to know you wouldnt have done it any differently;)