sory guys but this bog wasnt really invented to disply hilarious stories about my dumb ass life 24-7..while i think i do a pretty good job on the whole 'telling horrible funny stories that are actually painful because you all sincerely feel bad for me' i think that sometims its mandatory that i bore you with the way i acually feel only if anything to keep those few of you who read this interested.
the last few weeks have been weird. i have had so many differet emotions spilling over each other and i have had a hard time grasping any one at a time. afte my friend passed away i really fell- i am a victim of cirusmstance and that really threw me. i know that life is hard and so many people close to me are suffering because of other bad hands but this one shocked me so hard and left me hanging. dealing with tragedy is not something i am good at- as it tends to resurface every insecurity i have ever experienced. and this tie i was alone. like literal alone- i really dont think my parents understood and i they did well then i appreciate that so muchbut they had no idea how to deal with it. and that is ok because neither did i. and none of my close friend lost him either and it only reminded me of the other time in my life where a close frind died and nobody got it because he and i were friends ouside of everything else that was 'normal' in highschool. and to this day i remember how werid it was for m for week to try and make in understood that i could not ust forget it the way everyone else could.
things here have been awkward. and truly if only awkward was the word. i cant really explain how weird it is to be here- its like pretending that everything that happened to me in the alst fou months never existed and some how im in the excact same place i waas before. while i miss certain people so much, being here is hurting my stability. its to much. dealing with everything i left behind is really painful and knowing i realy dont have anything ahead of me is hard. i know that i left for the righ reasons but that doesnt make then harde everyday. everyday i think about what i gave up and how i put myself into a really diffuicult situation
truley i would not have thought about it like this had my grand mother not made a serious deal aboiut this but now i cannot help but think about it. while im married to erin and lydia and melissa for the rest of my life, i cant help but realize that that is something that i want and what i doing with my life may not be the best way to find someone. while i recognize that i have to be open to what life hands me considering i dont think that my choice has much to do with it.
im confused.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
yeah it was a lot. but honestly i think getting it out helped and i feel better about it today:) also i know that im getting one more christmas present in a few days and it better be a damn good one. haha jk jk
Post a Comment