my birthday is in april but i know what i want....

so last night i decided on something- i know what i want for my birthday. and its totally ridiculous and only one of you can give it to me( by you i mean one of the like four people left who read my blog...which consists of mostly family members or close enough and therefre are the only people who feel inclined to actually GIVE me presents!!) so. basically i have noticeed a trend- when i am far far away from my computer, nowhere near my trusty keyboard and the outlet that is this blog, for example, in taxis on my way to clarke quay, or waiting in line at the pharmacy, i have these close-to-genious thoughts in my head. i mean i think about what iw ould write at that moment if i were in fact at my computer and seriosuly- its like pure gold;) haha no really, i have this constant inner monologue- so intricate and well versed that sometimes i wonder if in fact i might be in a truman show like situation and people are watching my dramedy of a life and listening to my monologe as the shot zooms into a close up on my pensive face staring into the sunset! and messed up as it is i take some sort of pleasure in the fact that somone might be watching- its better then thinking no one can even see you...
anyways- digression- what i need is one of those hand held recorder things- that i can keep in purse and whip out in my moments of genious clarity, to speak into it and be able to write down the things later...yes i realize the risk of looking like an out of place 50's sleuth reporter but hey, it will all be worth it when i get to unload all of my wildy funny and wickedly witty observations onto this blog:)
i realize you will all be clamouring to purchase said item for me- please consult each other and decie who gets the honor of making all my dreams come true;)

lastly- im headed back to bali in t minus four hours. the excitment is litrally almost sickening!!!!!! so for all three of yous sake, im happy to report that this blog will hopefull become substantially more exciting and upbeat:) first things on the agenda- job interview tommorrow ( more details later, im trying nto focus all the universes attention on making that happen so dont want to curse it:) and new tattoo..i seem to like marking my arivals with skin art!

Do Over!

Ok so the last few weeks this blog has been a mess of , well, i dont know! its been a little too personal, a little to depressing and perhaps not nearly as interesting as the past few months! i think i have come to the conclusion that leaving bali for five weeks was not a wise choice!! while i had a blast with my family in whislter and was really happy to see my friends in LA, i think my mind was not ready for it all- it was a lot and i think that some of the things i was dealing with were not so much 'dealt with', rather repressed to the darkest parts of my mind, which received little to no attention while i was in bali! so then everything kinda crept up on me and the next thing i knew it was like i was back to september, when i thought things in my life were the worst they had ever been! and i didnt deal with it very well, im afraid, but the more i think about it i supose that stuff was also an important part of 'leaving m life behind'. because at some point, everythig you leave behind will creep up on you and no matter how much you try to say that you have moved on and things are better, its impossible not to aknowledge what you have in fact left behind. plus at the same time i realized that i was counting a lot on other people to secure my happiness and was notreally doing much in the way of my own healing. because as soon as those things/people went away, i felt crushed again by the overwhelming weight of everything. but the last few weeks were a test- one that i cant say if i failed or passed- i can only say that i learned that i was relying too much on others and that i was repressing not confronting. this time i want to do it diffeently. the last few months in bali for me represented a time of freedom, of rediscovering myself and of calming my shaky nerves into realizing that in fact life always does go on and time really heals everything. but no im ready to move on in a different way. i want to build myself a new life, not just escaping the old one. i have a lot of stuff to decide and a lot of things in myself that i must confront, so i know the next few months for me will be different then the last few, but i guess its all part of the process when you leave it all behind. at some point you have to pick up the pieces and rebuild the puzzle into something new- learning from the past and knowing how tochange the future.
i also have to admit that i have been a suffering baby the last few weeks and was unable to realize the gift that i have been given. it took my a comment from my grandma last night to really shock me back into realization. when my mom said to her on the phone that i was sitting with her drinking wine and watching american idol my grandma said "well i just hope that i die and come back as kaelen cus that girl is everywhere!!" really made me laugh to think that while one grandma thinks i am some sort of reject because im not married and cannot fathom to understand why i would possibly want to live oversseas and GASP potentially end up with a 'foreigner' , the other is hoping that the karma brings her back as me!! hahah ME?!!! but then last night it was all i could think about- how many people do get the chance to start over, a DO- over as they call it. i cannot change the past, i made decisions and choices and they have changed the course of my life in a way that i could never have imagined a year ago, when the fear of possibility was crippling to me. when i think about this summer, and what is was that drove me to my breaking point and pushed me mindlessly through the picking up and starting over, i realize that many of the things i was hoping to happen, did. and while some of them didnt exactly turn out the way i had hoped, at least i tried and that is important. i do have to say i wish i wasnt turning 26 this year and was not approaching the impending doom that is 30, but again, i dont think i would ever go back to being 21 if it meant i had to sacrifice all i have learned these last five years. if i was 21 again i wouldnt have the capacity to handle any of this!!

so here's to my do- over. heres to making decisions (anyone who knows me knows i dont even like to decide what to eat for breakfast!!)heres to sticking to them. heres to not beating myself over things that i cannot control and to actively trying to change those that i can. heres to knowing how fragile every day is and that once its over, the best way to fall asleep is to know you wouldnt have done it any differently;)

500 and snowboarding...where do i sign up?

so monumentous occasion last night.... i finally cracked and taught a select group of the morris clan how to play 500!! yes - it was a successful mission and i can now report back that 500 is officially on the ballot of games that we play! (and there are a lot of them!) even this evening over apres ski beers shar said 'that game was fun iwant to play it again' and then everyone wanted to so we had a 'rock off' ( rock paper scissors comp) to determine who gets to play. im like the lord of 500 so i automatically got a spot:) haha
it didnt quite get as gritty as it can but just give it time is what i say- already people are makiing the standard excuse ' ughhh if only i had played THAT card instead then we would have got it!!" yeah- you will never learn! and then someone said 'oh that was luck that you got that' and i pulled out tim's classic- its not luck- its skill!!! i love playing with newbies!!

back on the slopes today- early morning up and out there by about 8 45am- it was FREEZING! like cannot feel your nose or any of your extremities freezing! but its realy best in the am because the snow is still nice and you dont have like 600 thousand snoboarders coming down from the park on top whizzing by you threatening your life! this am they had all the snow machines blowing ( there has not been snow fall here in several weeks!) and that made it absolutely retarded cold! do we went over to whislter and did a few runs of the lower olympic trail and then ally ad i headed back to swap out our skiis for snowboards! first things first- those boots are SOOO much more comfortable! ski boots suck ass! so with our matching poweder blue boards and our new boots e headed out to meet our instructor- jon from surrey, england! so me al and some bulgarian named mia spent the afternoon learning to snowboard down the bunny slopes! spent a lot of time on my ass but managed to make it down several times without gripping his hands in the death grip! although all three of us got seperately taken out by other skiiers/snowboarders ( allison failing to warn until the girl was litearlly sitting on my head as i was strapping into my bindings!!) she however was taken out by a six year old skiier! so floppy haired jon got us mobiule on the boards and wanted to slap us silly for trying skiing first and not spending the whole week 'boarding'! and i kinda agree-- it was more fun ! so we are headed back up for our last day tomorrow with our snowboards to see how much we can learn in another day!

note- im seriously considering moving here- even for like a year or something. its incredibly gorgeous- in the summer apparently there is tons to do and the weather is incredible! plus everyone here is like 20-30 ( people that work / live around here that arent families i mean) and so international. researching livig costs and jobs, etc...anyone want to join? ;)

back to blogging!

ok enough of that crap- i have been slack about this blog lately, well because not much exciting stuff was happenening-well let me rephrase...not that it wasnt exciting stuff, but this blog was about my move to bali and currently im not there and therefore i dont find much else relevant. and the stuff that has been happening well just hasnt been so blogworthy! a short update of what i have been doing/ where i have been:
spent christmas in singapore with the fam, fun times but nothing 'newsworthy' it was actually one of the most 'tame'holiday seasons i can remember! only a couple nights out, while fun, were pretty much drama free ( well from my perspective anyways!)
went to melbourne to visit a friend for new years- really good time- at this point think it was well worth it but i suppose only time will tell!
back to singapore for a few days- pretty much agony in my own mind- that was the few days that things kinda fell apart for me and i had no friends around and it sucked pretty bad.
went to los angeles- excited only at the prospect of seeing the few good friends i left behind. the rest was a mix of anguish and anxiety and sure enough, those few days were incredibly taxing emotionally and i think did further damage to my head. had a few really fun nights out with the girls though- really do mis my bill and bob and balls!
now in whistler, canada learning to ski with the fam! so far been a good time- i personally had a rough few days trying to learn but now im feeling better about it. im really enjoiying it now and am think whistler probably has the highest concentration of hot guys in the world. no joke. hhaha but the best part is when you eat it off the chair lift in front of them.. yeah that was me. ally and i donwloaded ( for those non skiiers it means you pussied out of going down the entire mountain and got on the lift to ride down - note- not only like 3 year olds do that here!!) however, as i valued my life and really didnt think i would have one to value if i attempted the descent, we sucked it up and rode the last bit down. so then as we are trying to get off, ally panics about where she is supposed to skii off to, as there is not a ramp down like the other lifts when you go up. so as we get up she nudges her skii into mine, trying to move out of the chairs way and my skiis cross and to avoid getting my ass draggged under the chair i throw my body to the side and am splayed out on the snow with my skiis crossed and the chair moving over me. good sister that she is she is standing over me hysterically laughing as i do a side army crawl up the side of the snow bank trying to save myself, all the while laughing and yelling that she sacrificed me for her own good. .yeah this is in front of people....so then i have to drage myself up to flat ground so i can stand up and shamefully move to the next chair to continue going down . so embarassing but not really i guess considering more embarassing would be cartwheeling down the side of the mountain in my ill fitting rental ski gear!!
so...whistler is a good time but i have been away from my 'own life' for far too long- i am starting to get fidgety and restless and my mind is taking advantage of my weakness. im trying to get excited about going back to b ali- no- scratch that, i am excited, but im nervous about things and how they are going to go this time. and ive lost some of the initial strength that i felt when i first left everything behind and ive lost sight i guess of what it was i was looking for. going back to LA was probably pre mature in the sense that i dont think i was ready to deal with some of that stuff and i think maybe i have led myself down another slippery slope when it comes to guys and the situations i fix myself in. why is it so impossible for me to find someone who is in the same place as me? its like a form of masichism this inability i have. hey if i was 21 i suppose i wouldnt care but im heading over the 25 hill, and into the depth of the pre thirties, which lets face it, are the darkest hours before you hit fourty! and while the last few months i have had a great time being single again and remembering how much there is out in the world, im tired of it in a way. and annoyed that i am tired of it ;)

ill put up some whistler pics so that those of you whose eyes are burning from having made it this far will b e rewarded with something other then txt:)

ok i know i got boring.....and i am onl going to get worse....

sory guys but this bog wasnt really invented to disply hilarious stories about my dumb ass life 24-7..while i think i do a pretty good job on the whole 'telling horrible funny stories that are actually painful because you all sincerely feel bad for me' i think that sometims its mandatory that i bore you with the way i acually feel only if anything to keep those few of you who read this interested.

the last few weeks have been weird. i have had so many differet emotions spilling over each other and i have had a hard time grasping any one at a time. afte my friend passed away i really fell- i am a victim of cirusmstance and that really threw me. i know that life is hard and so many people close to me are suffering because of other bad hands but this one shocked me so hard and left me hanging. dealing with tragedy is not something i am good at- as it tends to resurface every insecurity i have ever experienced. and this tie i was alone. like literal alone- i really dont think my parents understood and i they did well then i appreciate that so muchbut they had no idea how to deal with it. and that is ok because neither did i. and none of my close friend lost him either and it only reminded me of the other time in my life where a close frind died and nobody got it because he and i were friends ouside of everything else that was 'normal' in highschool. and to this day i remember how werid it was for m for week to try and make in understood that i could not ust forget it the way everyone else could.

things here have been awkward. and truly if only awkward was the word. i cant really explain how weird it is to be here- its like pretending that everything that happened to me in the alst fou months never existed and some how im in the excact same place i waas before. while i miss certain people so much, being here is hurting my stability. its to much. dealing with everything i left behind is really painful and knowing i realy dont have anything ahead of me is hard. i know that i left for the righ reasons but that doesnt make then harde everyday. everyday i think about what i gave up and how i put myself into a really diffuicult situation
truley i would not have thought about it like this had my grand mother not made a serious deal aboiut this but now i cannot help but think about it. while im married to erin and lydia and melissa for the rest of my life, i cant help but realize that that is something that i want and what i doing with my life may not be the best way to find someone. while i recognize that i have to be open to what life hands me considering i dont think that my choice has much to do with it.

im confused.

i will miss you JJK

i was hoping to log in today and gush about my great trip to australia but it seems my return to reality has hit harder then expected. with hopes of this year starting out as a great one, thinking that perhaps the good fortune that i had these last few months would continue it was a rough day for me today when things came crashing down. nyall and i kept saying that as of tuesday we would be 'back to reality' and it seems that the real world has turned on us. i found out this morning that a good friend of mine from when i worked at bob in LA died over christmas. he had a brain hemmorage and went into a coma where he would remain brain dead indeterminably and his family took him off life support on christmas eve. jay was only 28.he had been married over the summer to his amazing girlfriend el and they were one of the cutest couples i had seen together. jay made me smile on the days when work was trying to make me hate life. jay shared so much light and energy and was one of the most creative and funny people i had ever met. we instantly became friends and bonded over our weird senses of humour- constantly taking the piss out of each other and making up weird conversations. it breaks my heart now to think of what el must be going through and the pain that must have settled deeply into the void that he left at bob. i cannot fathom how they are getting up and going into work each day, where his empty office will constantly be a reminder of all of his amazing quirks, his weird dance moves and his irregularly high pitched girly laugh. the amount of sadness, the extent of the grief and the loss that has been suffered by his many friends and colleagues is insurmountable. jay was inspirational to me- he was creative, talented and humble and on his way to do great things. it it one of lifes unjust cruelties that he is gone. i hope that i can only ever be a fraction of the person that jay was and will miss him.

in light of several other pieces of devastating news that i heard today i can only think about how quickly things can change. how literally in one instant everything you thought mattered no longer does and an entire new world can unfold. i know that most of this year i have looked at this as opportunistic and have enjoyed the fruits of this so-called change but in the last few days i have been forced to view it in the more dismal way. i can only hope that all things do happen for a reason and that some day the reasons for all that is happeneing now will be clear. the only way i feel i can hold on to what positive optimism i have left is to believe that with every tragedy bears a miracle and with every door closed a window opens. there has to be a reaason for all of the suffering and i can only wish to one day see what it may be.